From my heart I can say that I lost my culture.
And furthermore I would like to say that I lost faith in any culture.
When I was nineteen I escaped our small town in Slovakia and started traveling. Somehow I realised that I can do some software development, so I never really needed to work any low level job. This is in contrast to so many unemployed young people in Europe.
When I arrived in Bratislava I realised that you can be a stinky ugly bald guy, but once you drive a Maserati the prettiest girls would drop their panties.
This was the image of this city some years ago and it still is.
I started thinking of my life then in a structured way.
I wanted to buy an apartment, I was dating young and successful girls and I thought that I would progress in my career.
But there was something creeping in the back of my head. After attending every party and after sitting on every sofa of my friends, talking about senseless things, movies, the happenings and money I felt more empty than satisfied.
I was hearing words of my friends and my girlfriend, but however hard I tried to analyse them I couldn’t find a meaning in it. I couldn’t find a meaning in their struggles to buy a better car, to buy a better apartment and to advance in their jobs.
In a country where half of the people make five hundred dollars we were making ten times as much, but once I arrived at that point I lost track of why at all I was there.
I started asking why?
Whenever I went to a party I felt like I just need to escape the world by listening to the music and it all felt like noise rather than something with a meaning. I didn’t continue dating nice girls and trying to play nice in my job.
A stopped thinking of the nice little life with a nice little career, having children similar to me and every night doing nice little sex.
I began questioning this life and I started asking myself why my life should look like this and if this isn’t just something put into my head by constant, constant bombardment of the expectations of my surrounding.
My mom like every other wanted to have grandkids, she wanted me to have a nice stable job and be a nice fucking citizen.
But I was depressed by these outlooks and I couldn’t find a meaning in such a life.
I quit my job and I started traveling.
I started traveling and dressing up like I wanted. Whenever I come back to Bratislava I meet people who tell me that they despise me for what I did and they make fun of my dyed hair and how I dress. They make fun of me constantly. In no city did I experience people being so rude to me.
All I wanted is to find myself and what I really wanted in life.
I chose differently and I didn’t want others deciding for me on how I should live and thus I’m ridiculed and hated.
In any case. Breaking free from my culture and from people’s expectations helped me in a way, but is pushing me down whenever I come home paradoxically. The later thing still breaks my heart. Why don’t my parents and my surroundings accept my decisions and respect how I chose?
Nevertheless I did the best decision for me.
Blindly accepting culture ties you up. People try to break your will. Fight that. Fight it with all of your strength.
I refused to fill the void of my life with bullshit.